Kensington Town Hall last night had the faintly upholstered air of a minor, provincial public inquiry, crossed with a sixth-form debating society. The Chelsea Citizen was in situ on the press bench as councillors assembled to perform their annual fiscal pageant and vote through a 4.9% rise in Council Tax.

Proceedings were opened by the funereal-suited Tory head girl, Councillor Elizabeth Campbell, who invoked “exceptionally challenging times” — that catch-all incantation meaning Whitehall has been at the biscuit tin and left crumbs. A £108 million black hole, no less.

Yet fear not. The Conservative administration had, we were assured, balanced the books “through careful planning and efficiencies,” she said, gently worrying a weighty gold necklace that looked capable of underwriting a small capital programme of its own.

Even better, they had unearthed a spare £5 million-plus — apparently discovered down the back of a metaphorical Town Hall sofa — to fund extra street cleaning and spruce up Portobello Road. One antiques dealer, glimpsed on local television, had already denounced this as municipal frippery. Hell hath no fury like a bric-a-brac merchant scorned.

Enter Labour leader Cllr Kasim Ali, genial of smile, marathoner of limb, and machine-gunner of syntax. He accused the Conservatives of peddling “fools gold.”

“Shiny and convincing, but of no substance,” he growled, in tones suggesting the alchemists of Hornton Street had been at it again.

Finance lead Cllr Cem Kemahli rose to salute council officer Mike Curtis and his two-kilogramme, 406-page budget dossier — a document of such arboreal heft one feared for Scandinavia’s forestry reserves.

Sir Keir Starmer, he suggested, had picked RBKC’s pockets. The designer stubble quivered, and the swept-back locks flopped, as he admitted he would “normally pull a rabbit from a hat… but I have no hat and no rabbit.”

“Only the truth,” he concluded, with the slightly crestfallen air of a conjuror whose dove has refused to co-operate.

World-weary Mayor Cllr Tom Bennett, high on the dais beneath the chiselled ornamental stone chamber backdrop, wore the expression of a prep school housemaster taking double Latin. He urged speakers, in bored, robotic tones, to confine themselves to three minutes. The plea had roughly the impact of a paper fan in a gale. 

Labour’s Cllr Claire Simmons accused the Tories of playing politics “on the backs of the most vulnerable,” prompting approving murmurs from the red benches.

Conservative Cllr David Lindsay embarked on an excursion to the 18th century, citing a Scottish philosopher and “loose fiscal policy,” before being gently but firmly recalled to the present by the Mayor, who indicated that time — like the council’s reserves — had run out.

Labour’s Cllr Emma Dent Coad proposed selling off museums Leighton House and 18 Stafford Terrace. By this stage members were beginning to slip out for water, a pee, a reflection, or all three.

Cllr Portia Thaxter (Labour) rose with a practical inquiry: “How many minutes do I have?” Three, came the mayoral reply, preferably.

Tory Cllr Emma Will promised, “I’ll try and be brief.” Audible gratitude fluttered round the chamber. She then railed against the use of “canards” before reaching for one on the dustiest part of the shelf when it comes to Tories attacking the Left. 

“The trouble with socialism” she said, “is that eventually you run out of other people’s money.” Rich, coming from the lead member who has spent months forcing through punishing rent review hikes on small business owners on the King’s Road, citing the lack of handouts from Government and Grenfell for the steep rises in fees.

Twenty speeches in, eyelids drooped and bums numbed.

Former mayor and Chelsea stalwart Cllr Gerard Hargreaves announced this was his 16th budget debate — and his last. A valedictory murmur drifted across the Conservative ranks.

And then, as swiftly as it had begun, it ended.

The Council Tax rise — just shy of five per cent — passed by 31 votes to 10, with three abstentions.

Residents may console themselves that, even so, Kensington and Chelsea’s levy remains among the lowest in the land.

As for 2028/29 — sharpen your pencils.