World Exclusive Photos – UNCENSORED

 

VERY late Breaking News: A Kensington man fell over, The Citizen can be the last to reveal.

The 60-year-old stumbler – who has publicly fat-shamed himself repeatedly for “carrying excess timber” – tripped on a small step and landed like the proverbial “sack of spuds”.

The unremarkable incident (280,000 people fall each year – 767 per day – and need hospital treatment in the UK) took place in a bar at the Four Seasons hotel in Mayfair, some distance (1.49 miles) from the Royal Borough.

Unreliable sources claim that a group of Chelsea football fans witnessed the fall and started chanting “She fell over. She fell over”.

The fans of the club – which is located in Fulham SW6, not Chelsea – were at the five star hotel’s bar still celebrating last year’s Club World Cup victory, fearing that it could be Chelsea’s last trophy before all its players are sold to foreign investors who do not even live locally.

The ‘Fall Guy’s’ identity was later revealed on the “Information Superhighway” to be a popular and argumentative “YouTuber” working under the stage name of “Piers Morgan”. 

After checking the electoral register – not easy, given the disruption to council services since the “cyber attack” – The Citizen has confirmed that the local resident who took a tumble is Mr Piers Pughe-Morgan.

Further research reveals that Mr Pughe-Morgan is lauded across the Royal Borough for keenly supporting local establishments, such as the Earl’s Court Road branch of Greggs, Spanish eatery Cambio de Tercio, on Old Brompton Road, and The Scarsdale pub, off Edwardes Square, where he hosts an annual drinking competition for 200 of his closest friends as a fundraiser to pay Christmas bonuses for bar staff.

Following his trip, Mr Pughe-Morgan elected to take a chauffeured fancy car back to the safety of the Royal Borough, rather than an ambulance. Bucking emergency tradition again, Mr Pughe-Morgan avoided Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, on Fulham Road, due to the worry that an NHS establishment would mean being “left to writhe in agony on a trolley in a corridor for days on end”. 

The Citizen has never received reports of such difficulties facing patients at C&W, which is known as an exemplary destination for professional care, kindness and cleanliness. It also has some nice fishtanks and a super piano in the reception area. Furthermore, it organises some spectacular charity events – including jumping off buildings, not least by our heroic Mayor Cllr Tom “Fearless” Bennett.

Mr Morgan was delivered smoothly to the “Private Urgent Care Centre” at Cromwell Hospital, on Cromwell Road, Earl’s Court, where the patient’s vital signs of credit rating and private health insurance were assessed before any treatment was dispensed.

 

Within moments of being X-rayed, it was revealed that Mr Pughe-Morgan had fallen so heavily – “excess timber”? – that he had broken the upper part of his left femur bone and required a bit of a hip transplant.

The new hip was successfully inserted and was immediately given its own Instagram account. The unwanted old bone was transferred for examination at the Natural History Museum, on Exhibition Road, Kensington, which currently has some terrific exhibitions, including Space: Could life exist beyond Chelsea.

Mr Pughe-Morgan’s old hip was examined by the NHM’s leading paleontologist, Professor Ross Keller, who told friends: “This fossil will be treasured forever and serve as an illustration for how Man struggled to walk the Earth in the 21st century.”

The Chelsea Citizen is delighted to report that Mr Pughe-Morgan is now back at his home on REDACTED RDEACTED, Kensington, where he is being cared for by his long-suffering wife, author Mrs Celia Walden, who will have new a book out to promote – just as soon as she has finished the “bloody thing”.

Mr Pughe-Morgan refused to comment to The Citizen directly, but we understand that he is recovering well. Hip hip hooray.

 

Piers Pughe-Morgan – UNCENSORED – in Hippier Times

 

Following the falling over ‘Slight Surprise News’, The Chelsea Citizen delved into the McArchive and discovered a remarkable set of exclusive photographs. 

These were taken during what can now be called ‘The Novelty Boxer Shorts Tour – Tenerife 1987′. The other man in the photos has not yet been positively identified, but may well be The Citizen’s Editor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New publicity photo released of Unidentified Man